Wallflower's Wall
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "sunnygreen" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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11:41 pm
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On Self-Respect
Hey guys. Long time no LJ for me.
I've been doing derby and some YDs stuff and some other random commitments...in between such long bouts of working that I want to claw my brain out of my skull in pieces. So, in short, I've been pretty busy.
I'm about to be less busy. I'm done with derby after the bout this weekend. It's been a wonderful experience, but the time commitment involved is dizzying when taken in conjunction with the demands of my job and Dems. I've gotten in better shape, made a lot of new friends, and garnered a tasty little bit of notoriety and some bragging rights, but I'm willing to give those things up in exchange for a little bit of sweet, sweet free time. So I'm going to. I really am.
I'm also going to be finished with YDs, at least as far as leadership roles go, after this weekend. Even though I haven't been the Exec VP since March, Chiho and my other YD friends conspired to appoint me the chair of the Endorsements committee ( so that it would get done without being too royally screwed up...), so I still have a commitment there. But after our Endorsements meeting this weekend on Sunday, I'll be free of that too. If someone wants another Endorsements meeting after this next one, Rob Dolin (my second on the committee) can handle it. I'm calling it quits.
After this weekend, for the first time in at least 4 years, I will have no official commitments other than my job. I will have free time to spend doing whatever I want. And I will be challenging myself (in part because several people have told me that they don't think I can do it) not to sign on for any other obligations. I will free myself, and attempt to stay that way for a while. In fact, I may even be turning down social invitations so that I can spend some time alone.
Anybody who thinks that sentence sounds sad has no idea how little time I spend alone and unoccupied. Trust me, I could use some down time.
And now, I'm going to share a piece of an essay that resonates very strongly with me. Maybe it will with you all, too. It's by Joan Didion, from her collection of essays titled Slouching Toward Bethlehem, an excerpt from the essay On Self-Respect:
"....Most of our platitudes notwithstanding, self-deception remains the most difficult deception. The tricks that work on others count for nothing in that very well-lit back alley where one keeps assignations with oneself: no winning smiles will do here, no prettily drawn lists of good intentions. One shuffles flashily but in vain through one's marked cards--the kindness done for the wrong reason, the apparent triumph which involved no real effort, the seemingly heroic act into which one had been shamed. The dismal fact is that self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others--who are, after all, deceived easily enough; has nothing to do with reputation, which, as Rhett Butler told Scarlett O'Hara, is something people with courage can do without.
"To do without self-respect, on the other hand, is to be an unwilling audience of one to an interminable documentary that details one's own failings, both real and imagined, with fresh footage sliced in for every screening. There's the glass you broke in anger, there's the hurt on X's face; watch now, this next scene, the night Y came back from Houston, see how you muff this one. To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commission and omission, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice or carelessness...
"...To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are on the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out--since our self-image is untenable--their false notions of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Helen Keller to anyone's Annie Sullivan: no expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meeting the next demand made upon us.
"It is called 'alienation from self.' In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back ourselves--there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."
Well, good night, friends. Sleep well, and respect yourselves. I'll do my best to do the same.
Current Location: United States, Washington, Seattle
Current Mood:  drained
Current Music: Dragon Days--Alicia Keys (in my head)
Tags: busy, dems, derby, essays, self-respect, work, yds
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11:43 pm
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KABOOM
Holy cow. Lightning storm in Seattle. Right over my head.
Toki's spooked, to put it mildly.
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11:20 am
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The Health Insurance Debate
"How else is he going to learn not to fall off that bike?" Classic.
Current Location: Work
Current Mood:  amused
Current Music: Fidelity (in my head)
Tags: dems, health insurance, news, politics, video
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09:20 pm
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My Mom Got a Layoff Notice Today
That is the craziest shit. Considering I'm a paid union representative and I'm THE person that other people call when they get those notices to discuss their options and make sure Management isn't screwing them, it was a little surreal.
She was pretty calm. I immediately snapped into work mode. I told her she needed to send me a copy of the notice and get everything in writing, and I made her promise to contact a union steward the minute she got into work tomorrow. She works in the Puget Sound Naval Shipyard and she's in the IBEW (International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers).
My mom has worked in the shipyard for 30 years. She has had a lot of health problems that they've had to accommodate her on, it's true, but still...I was shocked when she first told me. We do layoffs by seniority, and my mom would have massive seniority. But she can no longer perform the essential functions of her job, so they're within their rights to lay her off.
It's just...really strange. I might take some time off next week to go meet with her and her union rep to try to help her select her best option. Realistically, I might not be a ton of help since I'm not well-versed in their contract or process, but...it's my mom. I feel like I should at least try. If nothing else, I can just be there for her.
On the topic of jobs, I just moved into a fancy new office with a window and a couch. It's very pleasant, down at the end of the hall. I'm going to fill it with plants and even possibly curtains. The office is small consolation that my friend (who previously occupied the office) no longer works for the Federation, but she'll go on to do bigger, better things I'm sure. I think the natural lighting will also be a mood-lifter when I start getting buried in even more work than ever. We're understaffed and one of my co-workers is on vacation, so it suddenly sort of seems like I'm covering EVERY area.
It's sort of true. We have 8 positions in the office, which means 8 areas. After my other co-worker finishes her last two weeks, I'll be sort of covering two areas. Right now, with one co-worker on vacation and the one who's leaving shrinking her area, I'm covering three with a little help. Bleck. Once all the leaving is said and done, there will only be 4 people in our office doing the work of 8 until they hire some folks in the hazy, indeterminate future.
But at least I have a window. -)
Wish me luck, and send good vibes my mom's way.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood:  surprised
Current Music: I Can Ride My Bike With No Handlebars- Flobots
Tags: job, mom, work
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05:05 pm
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This is Mine
See?
Now, to learn to ride it.
RL
-D
Current Location: Home
Current Mood:  Amazed
Current Music: Love is All You Need- The Beatles
Tags: motorcycle
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07:42 pm
[Link] | I need a goddamn adventure. I tell you what.
I'm thinking Denmark. It's been calling me for a while. Like, years...
What do you guys think?
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03:07 am
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Insomnia Has Been Less Frequent Lately
But I've still got it in me.
I wrote 3,000 words today for nanowrimo, which puts me still about 5 days behind. I've had a lot on my plate recently (I've worked 4 of the last four weekends and I'm working a full 8-hour day this coming Saturday) but that doesn't mean I intend to admit defeat. We shall see. I made some progress tonight. Hopefully things will flow better.
This survey seemed both sufficiently entertaining and sufficiently concise to attract my attention.
My names:
1.YOUR REAL NAME:
Robin Colleen Ledbetter
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother and fathers middle names)
Kay Baird
3.NASCAR NAME: (first name of your mother’s dad, father’s dad)
Alford Charles (Charles was a dick)
4.STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
Ledro
5.DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Green Dragon...isn't this a tea?
6.SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, town where you were born)
Colleen Bremerton...that's ridiculous.
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add “THE” to the beginning)
The Yellow Cordata (leche leche)
8.FLY NAME: (first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Roer
9.STREET NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Pralines Snickerdoodle...did anyone get something believable here?
10 ROCK STAR NAME (pet’s name and street where you live)
Toki 154...heh.
11. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
Casper Burrett
12.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
Robizzle. *sigh*
13.YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets)
Lol. Black Trynn.
14. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Honesty Reeses? I tried.
I miss all those of you that I don't see often. Be well, and go out in the sun, for godsake. -)
Current Location: Home in Bellevue
Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Regina Spektor- Samson
Tags: nanowrimo, quizzes
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02:15 pm
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This is the Coolest Thing Ever
I don't want to hear any arguments.
And before you ask, no, I didn't make this. A friend of mine from back in Korea made it. These are all the teachers over there that I worked with, my partners in crime. God, this is hilarious. Just click the link and wait for it to load.
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/hdr2CXB0iAv1ONXBjoGv
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: We Wish You a Merry Christmas...on a jazzy saxophone
Tags: elves, korea, teachers, videos
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12:19 pm
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Still Alive
Makes me want to sing the Portal End Song, "This was a triumph. I'm making a note here, 'huge success.'"
Sorry I never post. I come on periodically to read everyone else's updates to catch up, but then I just feel like there's not much to say. Truth is, I've been so busy that there's probably a ton of stuff to say. I'm just too weary most of the time.
Still working on the campaigns. I'm splitting my time between Rep. Morris and Patricia Terry, who's running for rep in the 10th district. She's awesome. Her first priority is health care for all, and she's both a nurse and an auditor, so she knows the system inside and out. Jeff is also awesome-his first priority this year is updating the definition of 'basic education' so that we cover everything that should be covered. My candidates are great.
I'm still fricking tired of this job. I long for the days of only working 8 hours, of a set schedule, of knowing when I was going to have free time and when I was going to have to work. Being able to work at any time means that I end up working at 2:30 in the morning or 7 pm at night, wasting my morning, and sort of just working all the time once I'm awake. It's not good for me. Some people would probably love it, but I just need some structure in my schedule.
I can't wait for November 5th. Don't even look for me. I'm going to be dead to the world.
It looks like Obama is going to win. In fact, it would be a miracle right now if McCain won...or something more sinister, perhaps, than a miracle. His smear tactics are bouncing off, he just spent $150,000 on his Caribou Barbie after calling Obama 'elitist'...and he accidentally said the 'C' word on TV. What a trainwreck of a campaign the McCain/Palin ride has been lately.
In other news, I have an idea for Nanowrimo. Sara and I are both going to do it, and maybe Erik too. I'm working on getting him to participate. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1) lady_kalaria should definitely give it a try as well!
Heh. November is going to absolutely murder me. I'll be moving south, looking for a new job, getting ready for the holidays, AND doing Nanowrimo. If my social skills begin to suffer, you'll all know why.
I need a fancy job as of Nov. 6th. Anybody know of any?
Current Location: Home
Current Mood:  awake
Current Music: America's Third Party Patricia Terry Interview webstreaming
Tags: candidates, jobs, nanowrimo, obama
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07:53 pm
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Another Day in History
I'm watching Michelle Obama speak at the Democratic National Convention in Denver. She's pretty amazing. "Barack will bring, finally, the change that we need." "We committed ourselves to building the world as it should be." Nice.
Yesterday my car broke down on I-5 in the fastlane. The brake light was on...it had been on for a while, since my parking brake doesn't work and the car thinks it's on when it's not. But suddenly, as the tall towers of Seattle came into view, all the other lights in the dash lit up. And the gas pedal just sort of stopped working, and I started drifting to a stop. So...yeah. I put on my hazard lights and pulled to the left shoulder. Not the best place to be, but better than in the road. And then I got to call 911 for the first time ever. It wasn't as exciting as I thought it might be. And they called me a tow-truck, who towed poor Gypsy to the nearest mechanic, and Brandon and Chiho came and rescued me.
It was the timing belt, apparently. It'll be done by tomorrow, but for the mean time, I'm just hanging out in Bellevue.
So Chiho and I did some work today and then went to Uwajimaya in Bellevue. After we came back from that, we went and picked blackberries at the park down the road. Jamie and I went on a blackberry- and apple-picking adventure yesterday in the rain and she made cobbler and I made pie, and I still had pie on the mind, so we got a bunch more berries and I made another pie. The last one was delicious; I fed it to the boys. I'm hoping this one is even better.
Still doing campaign work. My candidate squeaked by with a slim 80% of the vote, so I think we'll probably make it through the general. -)
I'll be moving into a month-to-month apartment up on Lincoln at the end of August with Erik and Sean, but to be honest I can't wait to move south to Seattle or Olympia. The fact that my car just broke and that without my mom helping me out quite significantly with the cost, I wouldn't have been able to get it fixed drives home that I need a better-paying job. *sigh* And in Seattle it will not be difficult to find one. Hell, I could go work in the Bremerton Shipyard and be making twice what I'm making now within a year, maybe less. They could even send me to Japan where I could work overtime and make bank. Hmmm...
Peter Griffin: "Look, Lois! The two great symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's frightened by change."
Anyway...still alive and wishing I could go camping again. Let's do some of that sometime!
Current Location: Chiho's Couch
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Family Guy
Tags: car, pie, politics, work
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